


Beware The Shepherd's Pie

by Furorscribiendi



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-12
Updated: 2012-08-12
Packaged: 2017-11-12 00:36:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/484669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furorscribiendi/pseuds/Furorscribiendi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"John knew something was very wrong when Rodney and Ronon appeared, prancing down the hallway, arm in arm singing, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, with sparkly pink and purple tiaras on their heads."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beware The Shepherd's Pie

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [sga_flashfic](http://sga-flashfic.livejournal.com/)'s 'Not happening' challenge.

________________________________________

It was supposed to be a normal day. Well, as normal as anything could possibly get around Atlantis.

It seemed like he slept in until the early afternoon. And that was all right once in awhile, but he had a load of things to take care of at the moment.

Plus, though he couldn’t put his finger on it, something felt a bit off.

John knew something was very wrong when Rodney and Ronon appeared, prancing down the hall, arm in arm singing, _Girls Just Wanna Have Fun_ , with sparkly pink and purple tiaras on their heads.

Rodney gave him a bubbly, “Mornin’ John!” while Ronon flashed what could only be called a beauty-pageant winning smile. He stared after them as they rounded a corner. For a moment, the hallway was silent and John figured it was a good idea to beat a hasty retreat to a fairly safe, and usually sane place: the control room.

He practically bolted there, finding only Grodin sitting there, busy as ever. He blinked in surprise. Surely there could be no insanity there.

“Grodin?” he asked, uttering his first words since he woke up.

“Yes Sir?” Grodin looked up, ever attentive as usual.

Okay, Grodin was as dependable as the sun rising and setting. Surely what he’d just seen with Rodney and Ronon was a… really, really strange anomaly.

“Are you looking for Dr Weir?” Grodin asked when John remained silent.

“Yes!” John seized on that; Elizabeth would definitely keep her head.

“She’s not here at the moment. She’s occupied with Kate and Teyla.” Grodin said.

“Okay,” John said. “Where are they?”

“They asked to not be disturbed. Elizabeth left some files for you to look over though. Do you want them now?”

“That’d be nice. I’ll just.”

“I’ll get them for you.”

And before John could say anything, Grodin flitted out of his seat like a hummingbird and was back in less than two seconds. He could have sworn that Grodin did not have little cherub wings sticking out of his back a few moments ago. And a lot more technicians seemed to be flitting in now, all with cherub wings on their backs. Grodin was looking at him, waiting to hear something.

“I’m just…gonna… go… and…” John managed before he abruptly turned and marched away.

Okay, so maybe the control room wasn’t the safest place. Not when he was threatened by shoes colliding with any part of his face at high speed. He hurried left the control room, bumping right into Rodney and Ronon again. Well, more like colliding with Rodney since he wasn’t paying attention to where he was going exactly.

Rodney fell to the ground with a squeak. Ronon gasped and practically squealed, “Oh my Gods, are you okay?!”

Seriously, this was not happening. This couldn’t be happening.

Rodney wasn’t supposed to squeak when he fell to the ground. He was supposed to cuss out John for not looking where he was going.

And Ronon… hearing him squeal like a 13 year old tween girl at a popstar concert was entirely disconcerting. The image certainly wasn’t helped by the fact he was fluttering around Rodney now, brushing at his clothes and making tutting, anxious sounds.

“John, silly, you never look where you’re going!” Rodney sighed as he straightened his shirt.

“McKay, what the hell’s wrong with you?!” John blurted out

“Me? What’s wrong with you? You don’t have your pink tiara today! And you forgot your heels as well!”

John was not going to look at Rodney’s feet, much less Ronon’s. He didn’t know if he’d recover from the combined shock.

“Oh well, you’re just in time,” Rodney said as he linked his arm with John’s. “We’ll go visit Zelenka.”

That wouldn’t have bothered John so much if Ronon hadn’t done the same thing on his other side. He felt like he was heading off to a twisted sort of execution with Rodney and Ronon flanking him on either side. He could have bolted for it, but somehow, having the image of a heeled and tiara-wearing Ronon bearing down at him while screeching something along the lines of, “Get back here now!” wasn’t all that comforting. He didn’t even want to contemplate Rodney.

With a sigh of sufferance, he glanced down at his arms to find pink and purple sparkly fingernails winking at him.

He had to correct that; it would be an execution all right: one that involved glitter, lip gloss and far too much giggling.

“Zelenka’s working… right?” John asked.

“Yeah, Zelenka’s working,” Ronon paused and flashing him that winning smile once more before he giggled. John couldn’t stop his hackles from rising. “You could say he’s working very hard.”

Ronon and Rodney exchanged a knowing glance and practically cackled, sounding like the Wicked Witch. John felt the urge to bolt for it rise up. But again, that image of a pissed Ronon in his current state popped into his mind and quelled that swiftly.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Grodin flitting around the control room like a crazed cockatiel was preferable to dealing with the twin wonder horror of Rodney and Ronon.

“And here we are!” Rodney announced as they swept right into a room.

John had never thought he would sweep into anything in his life. But this was a highly unusual circumstance. And he never thought he would hear Dr Rodney McKay sound like the bubbliest customer service rep that ever lived on the planet.

“Zelenka?” Rodney called as he bounced – yes, bounce was the only word for it – right into the lab that looked less like a lab and more like a tacky bordello of sin, debauchery and other fun stuff. Nothing could be gilded with that much gold and be clothed in that much velour and not be anything but tacky. It didn’t help that the walls were covered in the stuff. “Don’t tell me you’ve –”

“I’m here, I’m here!” Zelenka came rushing out from a door that seemed to appear from nowhere. “John. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you.”

John blinked at the disgustingly lewd and knowing grin that Zelenka gave him and decided that he really didn’t want to know what he’d supposedly been up to with Zelenka.

“Look, can someone tell me just what the hell is going on? I wake up and everything’s gone to –”

“Ah Zelenka, I was hoping,” Teyla’s voice came from behind.

John was already turning to look at her before he could stop himself. Though he was rather relieved to see Teyla standing there, looking at him questioningly. She wasn’t wearing anything different, she was just standing there.

“You’re sane, right?” John asked her, his voice a bit too panicked.

“I am as well as I have always been.” Teyla finally said after a moment’s thought.

John started to breathe a sigh of relief, but it was short lived.

“Zelenka, I was hoping you still had some more of that pineapple flavoured lubricant. Elizabeth says you should have some by now.”

“I do. Just give me a moment,” Zelenka said. “Did you want something Rodney?”

“No, we just thought we’d visit. But if you’re busy –”

“I’m sure he’s busy,” John managed, not wanting to ask about the words, ‘pineapple flavoured lubricant’ and Elizabeth in the same sentence in regards to Teyla. “So why don’t we go and –”

“Zelenka, are you ignoring us?”

“Yeah, come back.”

John looked towards the open door to find two women lounging there, wrapped in bed sheets. He screwed his eyes shut. He wouldn’t look at this; he wouldn’t be party to it any longer.

He did want to keep his posting here, unlike some other people who had clearly lost their brains somewhere in the short space of a few hours.

“I know it’s here somewhere…” Zelenka muttered.

“Why Dr Biro, have I told you lately you look very good in a bed sheet?”

John didn’t want to hear Ronon say that at this particular moment.

“Dr McKay, you must tell me where you got those fuchsia alligator pumps from.”

“Stilettos, not pumps, Kusanagi. Nothing less than two inches.” Rodney sounded proud as hell.

And John really didn’t want to hear Rodney’s fashion tips in regards to shoes. He could hear the door opening again, and he cracked an eye open to find Elizabeth walking in. John offered up a prayer to some deity somewhere. Surely Elizabeth would put a stop to all this madness. Unfortunately, it took one sentence from Elizabeth for John to realise the error in that.

“Teyla, what’s taking so long with that lube?” Elizabeth asked. “Kate’s starting to get a bit impatient.”

“Have you all lost it?!” John blurted out in disbelief.

Everyone paused in the room, looking at John like he had grown another head. The silence stretched on and John was wondering why no one was realising that once word of this got back to Washington, they’d be gone from here pretty quick.

“Major Sheppard?” his radio clicked on.

“Yeah?” John couldn’t have been more relieved to hear from Grodin of the cherubic wings.

“You’ve got a visitor in the gate room.”

“Oh my God,” Rodney squealed. “Ronon, that’s today!”

A burst of giggling filled the room, coming from everyone. It couldn’t be a good thing when everyone was giggling at the same thing and he was the only one lost.

“Shall we?” Ronon asked, looking mischievously at Rodney.

“Oh yes, John’s gonna knock him off his feet.”

John knew that was as good a cue as any to bolt. And he did try. He’d almost made it to the door when a tiara-wearing, purple sparkling manicured, heeled Ronon tackled him to the floor. The next thing he knew Rodney had the other arm and he was being inexorably dragged somewhere.

At first it was clear that it wasn’t the gate room, but somewhere else. But once they arrived at what Rodney had dubbed John’s ‘temporary pit stop’, John had gained a healthy respect for about half the ablutions that women probably went through before a date. Ronon and Rodney practically made him do every conceivable thing under the sun, short of growing his own flowers to take with him.

He could have tried to bolt again… but he didn’t want to get tackled by Ronon once more, and with Rodney on top for good measure. That had been scary as hell. How Ronon had moved so fast in those teetering shoes was beyond him.

And apparently Rodney and Ronon thought he was going to bolt once more, since he was being dragged to the gate room.

“Okay, when you get out there, don’t fiddle and squirm,” Rodney fretted.

“Remember,” Ronon said, looking at him seriously, hands on his shoulders. “You are a sex god and deserve nothing less than pure adulation.”

John wasn’t too sure what it was about that sentence that creeped him out. And he probably wasn’t sure because there was one too many things about it.

“Go get ‘im, tiger.” Rodney choked out with a sniffle.

John wasn’t exactly willing to go. It took one hell of a shove from Ronon to send him stumbling up the steps and right into the middle of the room. There was a tall pale figure with white hair and bearing an overly large bouquet of roses.

“Oh God no…” John could feel that trickle of sweat run down his spine. The sort of trickle that made him wish he had a P-90 and could shoot first and ask questions later.

“John, honeypoo, I’ve come back for you!” the Wraith dubbed ‘Steve’ swept up to John with the creepiest smile ever and practically shoved the roses in his arms.

John wanted to drop them and just stomp on them. Or burn them. But his shocked fingers just, somehow, managed to keep a grip on them.

“I considered your ultimatum,” ‘Steve’ said with a sombre expression for a moment before he smiled widely once more. “For you I will renounce sucking the life from defenceless people. See, I’ve even started wearing a blue armband to prove it. I’m hoping to start a club.”

‘Steve’ pointed to a blue armband around his upper arm. John wasn’t to sure what ‘Steve’ wanted. But John was feeling that itch for a P-90 really badly.

“Everyone’s gone fucking crazy…” he mumbled under his breath.

“Don’t they make such a cute couple?”

John whirled around to find everyone from Zelenka’s room standing there and looking so happy. Some were dabbing at their eyes, and others were beaming at them. That was it.

“I’m going to fucking kill you McKay!” John snarled.

“No, honeypoo, you mustn’t!” ‘Steve’ ran forward and wrapped John into a hug. “Because of Rodney we can live happily ever after!”

“I’m going to kill you really slowly! With a butter knife! That’s rusty!” John yelled, really wishing he had a P-90 to do in ‘Steve’.

“Oh, you said that the last time!” Rodney clucked his tongue with a blush. “You and Steve are always on and off again.”

John was pretty sure he was purple from rage and spitting out bits of words because of the rage making him incoherent.

“Okay everyone, let’s leave the lovebirds alone,”

Yes, John would kill Rodney. Slowly, surely and it would be damned well worth it, and the subsequent court-martial, for siccing a love-sick _Wraith_ , of all creatures, on him.

“We all remember how they made up the last time!” Rodney said.

“Yeah, who could forget that racket?” Ronon chuckled.

________________________________________

John woke up suddenly in a cold sweat. His pyjamas were drenched in it, and made him feel generally uncomfortable.

What the hell was up with that beyond-fucked-up dream?

He lay there for a few more minutes, realising that he had almost been hyperventilating and getting his breathing back under control.

His stomach was doing weird flip flops and he rolled out of bed. Not a good idea. He felt like he was about to upend the dinner he had a few hours earlier onto the bedside floor.

He managed to get to his feet and then scrounge around for an antacid. Once it did its magic, he jammed his shoes on and went searching for some form of distraction. He certainly needed it after that dream… bits and pieces of it were floating around in his mind, the main gist of it melting away into nothingness. But he recalled something about Rodney, Ronon and singing. And Steve for some reason, that chilled him to the bone.

He was wandering when he caught Rodney watching movies in what had become the informal common room.

“Hey.” John said simply as he came in.

Rodney glanced at him and grunted in response. John looked at the screen to find he was watching some slasher flick.

“Can’t sleep?” John asked.

“No.” Rodney said curtly.

“Oh.” John paused for a moment. “Indigestion.”

“Yes.”

“Me too.”

Rodney looked at him sharply. “Beware the shepherd’s pie. Don’t eat the shepherd’s pie. And what do you do Major?”

“Hey, you ate it too.” John said defensively.

“Well, I could have eaten the lemon chicken and swollen up until I exploded.” Rodney snarled.

“Damn, you must have really bad indigestion.”

Rodney snorted and settled back to watching the movie. John did as well, though something was bothering him.

“Hey.”

“What?” Rodney asked in thinning patience.

“You don’t happen to know the lyrics to that Cyndi Lauper song, do you?”

Rodney seemed momentarily bemused. “Which one?”

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

“No, I don’t. Why would I waste my time on stuff like that?”

“Good.” John said after a moment. “Just what I wanted to hear.”

________________________________________


End file.
